The Struggles of a Perfectionist in Bible College

perfectionismThis is another post where I am transparent with you, my reader. I don’t want to be ashamed to tell you my weaknesses. I’m no better than anyone- I’m just human. I used to think I couldn’t blog about anything until I mastered it. Now I am learning to tell you about my struggles along with my triumphs. I believe God will use this to help me and you. I want to be brutally honest and ask for advice, and maybe we can both learn from my story. So here it is: my struggle with perfectionism.

Starting to college was amazing. Experiencing God fully for the first time in a while and making new friends was exciting! I am very happy to be here, Northpoint really is a great place. However something started happening. Being in a fresh new environment, oddly enough, started bringing back old habits, things I thought I had solved years ago. For the first time since kindergarten, I was in a school of new people who I could make my first impression with and I could start with a clean slate. This made me start to worry about what others were thinking of me. I found myself talking and acting differently in order to get people to like me. All this worrying was very draining.

Then my fiance started noticing that I would divert conversations that brought up my weaknesses. When he would try to talk to me about it, I would freak out, often crying and shutting him out, and wouldn’t talk about it. Later I found myself lying to people about my past, avoiding things I used to share as a testimony, because I was ashamed. I was become antsy over my appearance and I would watch what I would say because I didn’t want anyone to see my flaws and judge me. 

I was trying to portray myself as perfect. I has struggled with this when I was younger and thought the issue was long gone. But I learned that wounds can be reopened. It’s confusing, I would often get angry that I was struggling with this years after I concurred it. But life’s not a check list, you don’t just tackle obstacles and they are gone for good- things resurface and come back to haunt you, and it’s a constant fight, a struggle that never ends.

One night, the girl’s dorm had a devotional night about being transparent with what we struggle with according to James 5:16. The Holy Spirit started to move and we stayed up till 4 am confessing our flaws and praying for one another, and it showed me that no one is going to judge me for being human. At least not around my Christian sisters who were struggling as well. We should be open and willing to help one another and accept help.

So this is me sharing my struggle with you. I know  a lot of you who read my blog are more experienced in life than I am, so I ask that you would give me some advice. How do you deal with never ending struggles? I would love to hear from you!

God bless,

Lillian ❤


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